My First Call With My Daughter

I usually struggle with depression during this time each year. You see, I gave my daughter up for adoption the day she was born and today is her birthday. This year, however, I am feeling absolutely euphoric. For the first time in her life, I spoke to my daughter last night.
Until now, I’ve never known her adopted name or who her parents are. I had never seen any photographs of her or even known what state she lived in. All I had was hope that my decision to give her up had indeed turned out to be the best thing I could have done for her. I dreamed that her life without me was full of advantages I couldn’t give her at the time, complete with two parents who doted on her and raised her to be the best person she could be.

I had just finished washing the dinner dishes and cleaning up the kitchen when I found my Stepfather had messaged me just after 9:00 PM, just a few minutes prior to me seeing those messages. The messages sounded cryptic and urgent, simply telling me to call ASAP. I worried something was wrong with my Mom, and was grateful to learn she was fine when I called him. He told me that my daughter had called, and was on the phone with my Mom as we spoke. Although I’d given him and my Mom permission numerous times throughout the years to share my contact information with her or her parents should they ever try to find me, he wanted to check to make sure it was OK and to ask what number he wanted me to give her. I think he also wanted to give me a bit of warning that she would be calling me so I could collect myself as much as possible before she called me.

I fell apart. I’ve been dreaming of this for years, but she turned eighteen so many years ago, my hopes that she might want to find me one day had waned. The reality that she had called was overwhelming.

It wasn’t long before she called me, and her voice was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. She sounded so sweet and so scared. We spoke for about two hours, and she told me about her own daughters, her pets, her boyfriend, and about herself. I told her things about myself I thought she might be curious about, and answered any questions she had. I think we both felt like we had to get everything we wanted to ask or say out in this call in case it never happened again – at least, I know I did. I struggled between a balance of wanting to ask about everything in her life, and not prying too much since she doesn’t really know me yet.

We exchanged photographs, and she is absolutely beautiful, as are her daughters. I’ve never seen anything as amazing as the smiles beaming out of those photographs. They all look so happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for her – to be happy and healthy.

We said so much and there is still so much to say. I pray with all my heart she will want to speak again, but I understand if this is all she can do. I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be for her to process.

For the last several years, I’ve posted an open letter to her on her birthday in hopes she might one day see them and know I never stopped loving her and never stopped thinking about her. Now I am sending her links to those letters so she can actually read them herself. And instead of posting an open letter on her birthday this year, I am posting about the best experience of my life – my first call with my daughter. I pray it might not be our last.

This all feels very surreal right now.